STEVEN WRIGHT . . . ON LIFE!

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's really tough to fold it.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier..... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.